Pages

Commentary on "Show Me"

I know that I surprised a few of you with my "Show Me" post for Two Shoes Tuesday this week. If you've been reading my blog for a long time you are used to me firing off something intense now and then, if you're new here it probably came as a bit of a shock.  Yes, this mild mannered (albeit sometimes grumpy) old lady also speaks on occasion from a dark corner of her heart.  I have said on more than one ocassion that I am a convoluted mixture of both the sacred and the profane, I embrace them both without apology. That being said, here's a bit more insight on where my "Show Me" post came from...

This was, obviously, not a post about my beloved Papa Bear, but rather about my last ex. Papa Bear was the first to read it last night, and it goes with out saying that he liked it, because he knows without a doubt that he is not that man, he is instead the one who picked up the broken pieces of my heart and helped me put it back together.  He has taught me what it is to love and be loved, he has taught me that real men do exist in the world, he has taught me that trust is not always misplaced. He not only knows all the right words to say, he shows me by his actions that his words have substance - if he says it, he means it, and he'll stand by it!  He is my angel. He makes all things good. <3

It might surprise you to know that I am also now friends with the ex that "Show Me' was based on.  We text or talk on the  phone occasionally. I have forgiven him the past, though I have not forgotten, and I never will. Scars fade with time, then never disappear entirely.  I wish him well, and he wishes the same for me. We made fairly decent friends, we were never meant to be marriage partners.  That was a mistake from the beginning.  In fact, all three of my previous marriages were a mistake from the beginning, and the voice deep inside of me knew that. I have  no excuse for my bad choices, so I plead temporary insanity, because it's the best answer to "why" that I can come up with.

Were echoes of pain and anger woven in the words of my "Show Me" post? Well of course, I think that's fairly apparent.  But it is important to note that I do not let those feelings color my life now.  They are kept in a box in the attic, wrapped in a blanket of the perspective that time brings. That was then, and this is now. I live in today, I do not live in the past, I have no desire to dwell there. However, it also needs to be said that it isn't quite as simple as "letting go" of all that.  We are not talking about a brief partnership that proved to be unhappy.  We are talking about three marriages spanning a total of 30 years, the prime years of my adult life, spent in the hell of abusive relationships. I am blaming no one for that, the choices were mine, I put myself there. If there are regrets, and of course there are, then it is only that I stayed in each of those marriages for as long as I did.  Maybe other viable options existed, but at the time I was unaware of them.  The reasons for that are many and complicated and I would have to go on for pages to explain it all here.  But the reality is that it was what it was, and it's in the past now... it's over.

So why do I write about the past  now and then, dredging up old nightmares and memories?  I suppose you could say it is a form of exorcism, the more that I find myself able to take things out of the boxes in the attic and kick them a round a bit here, the easier it becomes to release them.  Secrets hold power, repressed feelings hold power.  I speak it, I release it, and little by little I set myself free!

The good news... my life now stands in brilliant contrast to the black on black of my past. I am blessed beyond measure, and I thank God for bringing me through those times, for helping me to finally learn to value myself enough to make wiser choices, and for saving the very best for last!

Any further comments or questions?  Feel free to share them!

10 comments:

  1. Been there done that...Mrs. Cranky is my Papa Bear. I could never be friends with my ex as she is a different person every time I deal with her. Crazy people are like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am delighted that God sent you and angel too, Joe! We appreciate the sane ones so much more having survived the crazy ones! :-)

      Delete
  2. The important thing is that you and Papa Bear have each other. The choices you made in the past are past. You made them, but you moved on. Give all of your energy to your present because the fututre is not promised. Don't miss one moment of what you have now giving that energy to your past mistakes. You paid. You are blessed now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is indeed the important thing, Annie. Everything in my past worked together to get me here where I am. I am indeed blessed!

      Delete
  3. I'm a pretty new reader, but I know you were talking about a past relationship. I knew that Papa Bear played no role in that post. I'm happy you've found peace at last.

    Have a fabulous day. Big hugs. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right Sandee, it was pretty clear that nothing in that post fit the description of the wonderful man I'm married to now. He truly restored my faith in man-kind! A peaceful home and a content life are indeed wonderful things!

      Delete
  4. Hi Ms. Josie. The reason why I got back to writing a month after I discovered the truth about my now ex-husband (I discovered it last May, I went back to writing in June) is that I think this will help me heal. I have no friends nearby. They're either in other countries or in far provinces (I live in Manila), and not all of them know. I got no one to talk to. Not even anybody in the office knows my situation. I am not ready yet to tell them. I haven't cried all the tears yet. Whenever the tears want to come out, I would tell myself 'I'll cry later, I have to go to work first', 'I'll cry later, the kids are still awake'. I haven't given it time yet though sometimes I do that in the shower, but then I'll tell myself, 'I got to hurry, I don't want my son and I to be late for school and work'.

    I just want to move on . . . . .

    This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I started blogging as a way of coping and healing too, Abelle, and it has been a wonderful gift to me, especially all the friendship and encouragement I've found here! I'm glad you've come to join us! I can tell you that I cried almost every night for a whole year, after I left my ex. It is like mourning a death, sometimes we mourn what we had, and sometimes we mourn what we wish we'd had, but never really did. Then one day you will discover that there are no more tears, and you are ready to join in living once again. HUGS!

      Delete
  5. Glad you're feeling better, Josie. I could relate to this a lot better than the previous post. There's no avoiding the fact that you had a lot of responsibility for what was happening during that long period. There were a lot of choices... and when two people live together, they both have some responsibility for what happens... they're both creating the situation together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are absolutely right, Shimon, it takes two people to have a relationship and to create the dynamics of how it functions. There are many things I could and should have done differently. They may or may not have affected the outcome but I in no way see myself as blameless. It takes two. I am also glad I learned from that marriage and previous ones, not only what to do differently but how to make better choices to begin with. It is important to study the nature of a person before entering into a commitment with them, much pain and suffering could have been avoided if I had done so. As it is, I now look back and consider them intense learning experiences, I am a much better person today because of then.

      Delete

Your comments are always appreciated... they make me smile! :-)