"Show Me" post for Two Shoes Tuesday this week. If you've been reading my blog for a long time you are used to me firing off something intense now and then, if you're new here it probably came as a bit of a shock. Yes, this mild mannered (albeit sometimes grumpy) old lady also speaks on occasion from a dark corner of her heart. I have said on more than one ocassion that I am a convoluted mixture of both the sacred and the profane, I embrace them both without apology. That being said, here's a bit more insight on where my "Show Me" post came from...
This was, obviously, not a post about my beloved Papa Bear, but rather about my last ex. Papa Bear was the first to read it last night, and it goes with out saying that he liked it, because he knows without a doubt that he is not that man, he is instead the one who picked up the broken pieces of my heart and helped me put it back together. He has taught me what it is to love and be loved, he has taught me that real men do exist in the world, he has taught me that trust is not always misplaced. He not only knows all the right words to say, he shows me by his actions that his words have substance - if he says it, he means it, and he'll stand by it! He is my angel. He makes all things good. <3
It might surprise you to know that I am also now friends with the ex that "Show Me' was based on. We text or talk on the phone occasionally. I have forgiven him the past, though I have not forgotten, and I never will. Scars fade with time, then never disappear entirely. I wish him well, and he wishes the same for me. We made fairly decent friends, we were never meant to be marriage partners. That was a mistake from the beginning. In fact, all three of my previous marriages were a mistake from the beginning, and the voice deep inside of me knew that. I have no excuse for my bad choices, so I plead temporary insanity, because it's the best answer to "why" that I can come up with.
Were echoes of pain and anger woven in the words of my "Show Me" post? Well of course, I think that's fairly apparent. But it is important to note that I do not let those feelings color my life now. They are kept in a box in the attic, wrapped in a blanket of the perspective that time brings. That was then, and this is now. I live in today, I do not live in the past, I have no desire to dwell there. However, it also needs to be said that it isn't quite as simple as "letting go" of all that. We are not talking about a brief partnership that proved to be unhappy. We are talking about three marriages spanning a total of 30 years, the prime years of my adult life, spent in the hell of abusive relationships. I am blaming no one for that, the choices were mine, I put myself there. If there are regrets, and of course there are, then it is only that I stayed in each of those marriages for as long as I did. Maybe other viable options existed, but at the time I was unaware of them. The reasons for that are many and complicated and I would have to go on for pages to explain it all here. But the reality is that it was what it was, and it's in the past now... it's over.
So why do I write about the past now and then, dredging up old nightmares and memories? I suppose you could say it is a form of exorcism, the more that I find myself able to take things out of the boxes in the attic and kick them a round a bit here, the easier it becomes to release them. Secrets hold power, repressed feelings hold power. I speak it, I release it, and little by little I set myself free!
The good news... my life now stands in brilliant contrast to the black on black of my past. I am blessed beyond measure, and I thank God for bringing me through those times, for helping me to finally learn to value myself enough to make wiser choices, and for saving the very best for last!
Any further comments or questions? Feel free to share them!