“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” - Joel Osteen
At that point, reality took a sharp turn to the left, taking my breath away and causing my heart to stop mid-beat. I found an email from someone I care deeply about, basically saying that they needed to put distance between us.
What? I read it again, and again, surely that's not what it said? But it did. No explanation was given. My mind went into spin cycle, trying to go over everything that had been shared in recent weeks. Had I said something wrong, had I done something wrong? Nothing that I could think of.
I wrote back, asking questions. They reply was every bit as vague and un-informing as the first note. I was told to just understand and accept it. But there was nothing said to understand, and five days later I still don't. Papa Bear was as confused by it as I am. He found it hard to believe, and said it was something he never expected. I never expected it to happen either. I thought this relationship was good for a lifetime.
I have gone thru the typical process of coping with sudden changes this week... disbelief, anger, frustration, depression, and doubting myself. I had to paste on my happy face at work, but outside of work the face was not so happy, tears flowed, and words wouldn't come easy as I struggled to blog, only because focusing on writing is often my salvation.
We can't make people be a part of our lives if they choose not to do so, nor can we force them to explain if they won't. Still, it hurts, deeply, as this was the first time I had truly opened myself up to anyone in a long, long time. The crossing gates go down, the warning lights flash, the bells go off in my head... "Warning, danger, don't cross this way again, you'll only get hurt!" Lesson learned... until next time I stick my head out of my turtle shell and put my heart on the line, and despite my strongest intentions, I know I will. The desire to reach out and connect is strong in all of us, that's one of the reasons I blog.
It's been a week of intense emotional struggle, and coming to terms with life again (refer to quote above). It is what it is. I don't understand and I probably never will. Communication is so important to me in relationships, and the lack of it goes against everything I believe in. It is cruel, it is unfair. Life is unfair. Get over it Josie, and move on... and move on I will, because I must.
Writing out my hurt and frustration has always been my therapy, today was the first time I could put it into words. It's over now, done, trust damaged beyond repair. I took someone at their word, and their words proved to be empty. A door may have slammed shut this week, but I'm going to pick myself up and move forward. In reality that's all we can do when life knocks us down. I am, after all, a survivor.