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A Door Slammed Shut


“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” - Joel Osteen

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It started out like every other Monday morning, with me dragging myself out of bed after hitting the snooze button a couple more times and fantasizing about ignoring it altogether.  First order of business before getting ready for work - checking Facebook and my email to see what's new.

At that point, reality took a sharp turn to the left, taking my breath away and causing my heart to stop mid-beat. I found an email from someone I care deeply about, basically saying that they needed to put distance between us.

What?  I read it again, and again, surely that's not what it said? But it did.  No explanation was given.  My mind went into spin cycle, trying to go over everything that had been shared in recent weeks.  Had I said something wrong, had I done something wrong?  Nothing that I could think of. 

I wrote back, asking questions.  They reply was every bit as vague and un-informing as the first note.  I was told to just understand and accept it.  But there was nothing said to understand, and five days later I still don't.  Papa Bear was as confused by it as I am.  He found it hard to believe, and said it was something he never expected.  I never expected it to happen either.  I thought this relationship was good for a lifetime.

I have gone thru the typical process of coping with sudden changes this week... disbelief, anger, frustration, depression, and doubting myself.  I had to paste on my happy face at work, but outside of work the face was not so happy, tears flowed, and words wouldn't come easy as I struggled to blog, only because focusing on writing is often my salvation.

We can't make people be a part of our lives if they choose not to do so, nor can we force them to explain if they won't.  Still, it hurts, deeply, as this was the first time I had truly opened myself up to anyone in a long, long time.  The crossing gates go down, the warning lights flash, the bells go off in my head... "Warning, danger, don't cross this way again, you'll only get hurt!"  Lesson learned... until next time I stick my head out of my turtle shell and put my heart on the line, and despite my strongest intentions, I know I will.  The desire to reach out and connect is strong in all of us, that's one of the reasons I blog.

It's been a week of intense emotional struggle, and coming to terms with life again (refer to quote above).  It is what it is.  I don't understand and I probably never will.  Communication is so important to me in relationships, and the lack of it goes against everything I believe in.  It is cruel, it is unfair.  Life is unfair.  Get over it Josie, and move on... and move on I will, because I must.  

Writing out my hurt and frustration has always been my therapy, today was the first time I could put it into words.  It's over now, done, trust damaged beyond repair. I took someone at their word, and their words proved to be empty.  A door may have slammed shut this week, but I'm going to pick myself up and move forward.  In reality that's all we can do when life knocks us down.  I am, after all, a survivor. 

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Josie, that must hurt terribly. I'm sure though, that it reflects far more on who they are than on who you are. Try not to let it drive you all the way back inside again. Remember that the time it truly mattered, when you truly let someone know your heart, you did get your happily ever after, and use that knowledge to hold on to a little bit of trust in the essential good in most people.

    xox

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  2. Oh Josie...sadly, I needed to see this today. I needed to hear 'move on'. I needed to read and embrace 'let it go'. I have had to repeat, 'get over it'. I just needed this. I am so sorry for your being hurt. It is never easy, but especially when it is done by someone we care about and trust. Hugs to you this weekend.

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  3. Let it go is sometimes so hard. at least you have much to grab onto when you do "Let it go."

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  4. What on earth? How incredibly selfish of this person to not even give an explanation. I'm sorry you're so hurt. I'm glad you're working towards moving on. This person clearly doesn't know a good egg when they see one.

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  5. I wrote a post exactly like yours about five months ago. An internet/email friend who had grown through the years to be my internet/email sister, suddenly said she didn't need me in her life. I was smacked between the eyes. I was shocked. HURT, and bleeding.

    I did the wrong thing and sent my feelings, in email, to her. And it was full of anger because of my pain.

    Obviously, this did not help.

    Four long and miserable months went by before I sent the next email. "So, do you want to get back what we used to have?"

    She had been going through a rough patch, but I could not understand how I got thrown out in the process.

    You can wait it out, but it takes a long time for the pain to lessen. THEN, if you haven't gotten your head back on straight in that length of time, you'll have no choice but to make contact again.

    It HURTS. I know.

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  6. Sometimes we can love someone, open up to them… feel that we have a world in common with them… and yet still there is something wrong. I always feel that when both sides of a friendship don’t rejoice in the friendship, there was a reason. They weren’t really a good match… and with time, both would have discovered that truth. In that case, if the parting is short and complete, though it’s a bit like the kiss of death, it’s for the best. And your conclusion was just right. We have to go on. Wishing you a good week.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear this, it happens time and again when we open up and trust. I have said this before...In the intersections of our lives God places those that are here for a little while, these we need for that brief stop for whatever is going on at that moment at that intersection, then there are those here for a little while longer these we learn from, make mistakes with and learn to love then they are gone thier work done with us. then there are those that last a lifetime, those forever in our hearts no matter which road they or we journey, somewhere we pick up again as if we had never left that intersection and continue to love and have relationship with. Hurt,love and lessons along the way but it is true we have to get over it and move on just takes some of us a lot longer to do so, as if our wheels are spinning at that intersection. don't let this ruin any more of your days, you are hurting and need to grieve this loss so do so on your timeline no one elses. Prayers for your heartache my friend ((xx))

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  8. Oh my dear sweet Josie I am so so sorry for your pain gosh I wish I had the most perfect words to heal the hurt that is a familiar hurt I know.
    I love the new background such pretty colors and cheery feel.
    Do not push away the stages of grief it is a lost and we must allow ourselves grieving room for people lost. Lean on us your blog friends we think you are one super fantastic lady and appreciate that you do put down in words.....feelings!!! Hang in there lady I am sending you BIG ((HUGS)).

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  9. I had some concerns about bringing this issue to my blog, because it is a sensitive one, and I am presenting my vulnerability. I am human and far from perfect, there are two sides to all stories, as we know. This is my story, my perception, what it feels like to me. Relationships involve two or more people with their own needs, their own issues, and their own gifts to share. It doesn't work when the balance shifts to one side and sharing is no longer on equal ground. I believe that I am genuine, though there are those who call that into question. I know that I care deeply, love deeply, and bleed easily. I do the best I can, I am loyal and devoted to a fault, I give more than I take. Still, sometimes that is not enough, I am expected to be more than I have it within me to be, to accept more than I can without undertanding, to bear more than is fair. Thus, I have to make decisions about what is right for me. That doesn't make me bad, or anyone else a victim. It simply means that there is a difference of opinion on what has transpired. And I will leave it at that, it doesn't matter, my reality matters only to me. I thank everyone who took the time to read, comment, support and encourage, you support my belief that we are indeed here to walk the journey of life together.

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  10. Ben there... gone through something similar, and I know it hurts terribly! ((Hugs)) I loved the person so much who turned on me and then just threw me away! I have come to accept it, by the grace of God...and I thank God that it doesn't hurt as much now. Hoping your heart will heal soon.

    Love, Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

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  11. I've been through something similar. It hurts, plain and simple. And leaves you second-guessing with no closure. You'll move on, but not forget the hurt. I'm sorry :(

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  12. Josie.... I wish I had read this earlier....
    I am so sorry for your loss..because after all that is what this is. And yes you are a survivor and yes you will be stronger because of it... but that does not negate the pain that you are feeling right now.

    I'm here if you need a shoulder!
    <3

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  13. Awww, Josie, I'm so sorry. How could anyone do that to you? I just don't get it. Things like that do hurt especially if they are unexpected. What a shame. Sending you lotsa hugs xxxxx

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    1. Obviously she feels she has her reasons, Selma, I just wish I knew what they were! If we don't know where we went wrong, how can we do anything differently in the future in hopes of a better outcome? Thanks for the hugs, I needed them today!!

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