Pages

All Apologies


The following post originally appeared on my blog on October 6, 2007 for Sunday Scribblings.  It has received an incredible number of views since then, leading me to assume that regret for things we've done is common.  My previous post about guilt brought this one to mind and  I thought you might find it interesting.  When I re-read it now, almost five years later, I smile in the realization that some of it is not so much apologizing to the person stated as it is apologizing to myself for not being stronger and wiser back then, for being a doormat.  I am happy to say I am not a doormat anymore! :-)

"What else can I say? All apologies..."

To my Creator... I am sorry that my faith is not as strong as it should be. I am sorry that I am sometimes unable to trust You when I am in pain.

To my Father... I am sorry that I have disappointed you, and failed to live up to the person I could have been. I am sorry that you have never been able to feel proud of who I am.

To my Mother... I am sorry that we never did find a way to really talk to each other, before it was too late to talk. I am sorry that you didn't understand my way of seeing and doing things.

To my Older Sister... I am sorry that I didn't stop you the first time you attacked me, before you went too far. I am sorry that you are hurting so much inside that you lash out at others.

To my Younger Sister... I am sorry that I ran away from home, and left you to handle the important years on your own. I am sorry that I too often still leave you to handle things alone.

To Tony... I am sorry that I didn't get to know you better. I think that we could have made amazing friends. I am sorry for the drugs and pain that took your life.

To Donny... I am sorry that I believed you. I am sorry that I was so desperate for love that I was willing to believe anything.

To My First Husband... I am sorry that you were hurt so badly as a child that you were emotionally damaged beyond repair. I am sorry that the first time you struck your daughter as a baby I didn't take her and run.

To my Second Husband... I am sorry that I ever married you in the first place, when deep down you really didn't want me, and I knew it. I am sorry that I didn't stop you from treating me the way you did.

To Kevin... I am sorry that I took advantage of your friendship and caring, and couldn't be what you wanted. I am sorry that the one time I asked for your help with my daughter, you refused me.

To Ken... I am sorry that I cared too much about you. I am sorry that I couldn't save you from yourself. I am sorry that I didn't realize at the time you were using me.

To My Third Husband... I am sorry that I didn't believe you when you said that I would always be #3 in your life. I am sorry that I couldn't find the way to make our marriage work. I am sorry that I still feel love for you after everything you did to me.

To My Daughter... I am sorry for for the father that abused you, and for the step-father that didn't believe you. I am sorry for not being a mother that you could turn to when you most needed one. I am sorry that I can't find a way to take away your pain.

To My Son... I am sorry that I let you go live with your father, even though I knew

it was what you needed. I am sorry that you never got to experience what it was like
to grow up in a stable, happy home. I am sorry that I don't get to see you more
often now.

To My Boss... I am sorry that I rehired you when you walked out angry. It is the action I regret most in my life. I am sorry that you never appreciated what I did for you that day. I am sorry that I am still there now.

To Sidekick... I am sorry that no matter how hard I try to get along, you try harder to cause me problems. I am sorry, sometimes, that I didn't smack you the first time... that would have resolved things one way or another. I am sorry for whatever pain makes you act this way.

To The Children I Love... I am sorry that I can't be there for you now, I know you need me. I am sorry your lives have to be so difficult, and sometimes so cruel. I am sorry that I can't steal you all away.

To Old Friends... I am sorry that it seems like I have walked away from you. You are never far from my heart. I wish you could understand that I am doing all I can do right now, and I wish that I had more time to spend keeping up with you.

To New Friends... I am sorry that my days aren't longer and my energy isn't stronger. If I could have a magic power, it would be to stay in touch with each of you every single day. I am sorry that sometimes I seem indifferent to your needs. In many ways you are my salvation.

To One Who Cares... I am sorry that I sometimes let my fears and insecurities overtake me. I am sorry that you didn't come into my life fifteen years ago.

To Myself... I am sorry that I don't take better care of you. I am sorry that I didn't choose a path that would let your full potential shine. I am sorry that I have made it so difficult for you to survive... but, most days, I am glad that you are still alive!

7 comments:

  1. This makes me want to give you a great big monkey guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should say hug....stupid typing faster than I think

      Delete
    2. I knew you meant hug, Monkey, and your comment touched my heart! Such a marshmallow sweetie you are!

      Delete
  2. Now you got me with tears all a-flowing.
    This is a remarkable and emotive post and I'm glad you decided to re-post it.♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lily! Although the tone is somewhat dark, I really don't feel that way when I read it now. At the time I wrote it, it was a powerful release, and now I am able to view my past with a healthy level of emotional detachment. That doesn't mean I no longer care, of course I do, it just means that my past doesn't overshadow my present. This is not my life today!

      Delete
  3. This is incredibly moving, Josie. To be able to look at emotional issues in our lives is very important but oh, so hard to do. You inspire me with this. I like where you come from!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've discovered, Selma, that when I write things down and put them out them (no longer keeping them as dark secrets and burdens I carry), it released the negative energy and emotions attached to them and I can look at them from a much healthier perspective of what was instead of what is now.

      Delete

Your comments are always appreciated... they make me smile! :-)