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In the Beginning I Believed


This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is "In The Beginning"...

In the beginning I believed my father when he told me...
that it was better not to get involved in other people's problems; and
I believed him when he said I didn't know enough to handle things on my own.

In the beginning I believed that "the group" knew the answers...
one world, one way, a new day - or so they said.
I believed that the world as we knew it was going to end soon,
no need to prepare for a future in traditional ways.

In the beginning I believed that my first husband was brilliant,
and he was - according to the numbers;
I believed him when he said the child I was carrying would die if it wasn't his.
I believed him when he said he really didn't mean to strike her when she cried.
I believed them when they said he had a right to spend time with his child.

In the beginning I believed that my second husband was much better than the first,
I believed him when he said that he would take care of me and my child.
I believed he would learn to love her, I believed he would learn to trust me.
I believed he could control his drinking.... and his anger.
I believed him when he said that I didn't have the balls to leave him.

In the beginning I believed that my third husband loved me,
I believed that his mellow manner was natural, not the byproduct
of a chemical high.
I believed that one day I could become number one in his life....
not making music, not using drugs, me.
I believed that if I did everything exactly right I could make him happy,
and he wouldn't get angry or hurt me.

In the end, I learned that the only one I could really believe in was me.

And then, I met the Papa Bear...

In the beginning I believed that no man could be trusted
I believed he would change once the other foot fell
I believed it was only a matter of time before his sweetness ended
I believed it was impossible that he could really love me.

Eventually I learned that I was wrong about many things
I had come to believe;
The truth is that he is good, and kind and trustworthy,
and yes...amazingly, inexplicably, he really does love me!

In the end I realized that I am smart enough and strong enough to survive.

26 comments:

  1. And that...is so very, very romantic! And full of hope!

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    1. Thank you Chrisd, my life is all about hope fulfilled!

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    1. Yes Bozo, there are tears - tears for old hurts, but also tears of joy for how wonderful my life is now!

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  3. This hurtles along like lessons of life gathered and reflected on..with such rhythm and perseverance..and yes, am glad of the ending too..Jae

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    1. Life lessons didn't come easy to me jaerose, I had a hard head! :-) But I have indeed learned persevereance, and the ending of my story is far better than I ever dared to dream it could be!

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  4. Josie, how lovely to see that you have 'lived' far and beyond all of them. Your story is that of much hope and your heart is indelible.

    Hope you enjoy a beautiful Mother's Day!

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    1. You are so right Archna Sharma, I will live, not only in years, but in strenth and knowledge, far beyond the others, because I believe that life is the only way. I am now so very glad that I did not choose a shorter path!

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  5. It's natural to want to trust and believe, but in a world where so many people aim to confuse us, it's easy to get it all turned around.

    How beautiful that you got it sorted out in spite of everyone!

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    1. Thank you Ann, you are so right. Especially when we are young, we want to believe that everyone is good and can be trusted. Sadly, this is not true. But it is also not true that no one can be trusted. Growing is learning how to discern the difference.

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  6. How honest, authentic, and wonderful. You have a beautiful soul, I'm sure.

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    1. Thank you Greta! Bedraggled soul might be more accurate, but I'm working on shining it up a bit! :-)

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  7. Two words only, 'emotive' and 'beautiful'.

    Ooh and I love your profile picture. Your smile automatically makes me smile.

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    1. Thank you Lily! I find that writing affirmations increases my awareness of how far I've come.

      Glad you liked the profile pic, I'm not big on pictures of myself, but this one pretty much reflects me so thought I'd share it here, at least for awhile. :-) Sometimes it's nice to see the faces behind the words.

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  8. And that is one of the many reasons why he loves you!

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    1. That's probably true, Louise, and it pleases him that I have come to trust him fully. I know you understand how hard that was to do!

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  9. Love is the great healer, the most wonderful paint of our soul! Glad that Papa Bear and You have it right!

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    1. Indeed it is Chrissy, love can erase a multitude of scars on the heart. This time is so different, I often still wake up and wonder if I've been dreaming! :-)

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  10. That was absolutely beautiful, Josie!

    And, your picture looks just how I thought it would, equally as beautiful =)

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    1. Thank you Elsie! I am pretty much a what-you-see is what-you-get person, so hopefully that it is reflected in my writing as well as my picture.

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  11. And that is the most important thing - surviving those things that challenge our beliefs. A very uplifting post!

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    1. So very true Selma. For many years I believed all the negatives messages I was given, both growing up and in adult relationships. It took a long time before I was able to reconsider the validity of those beliefs and finally reject them. The same is true with being able to let go with fears based on past experiences. Just because some men are bad guys doesn't mean all men are!

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  12. Oh this is a nice write....and how well you said about that trusting mentality......even when it was hurt...it is there...so true about life...

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    1. Deep down we all want to trust, we want to believe, Sreeja. As we grow older we learn that not everyone is to be trusted, but we also learn that there are many worthy of our trust, and that keeps us believing!

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  13. One more thing your blog is beautiful...

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    1. Thank you so much! Purple is my favorite color, and I love flowers. :-) I am glad you stopped by and took the time to read and comment, you are welcome here!

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Your comments are always appreciated... they make me smile! :-)