If Only You Knew

In last week's round of One Question Wednesday, Pen asked "If  you could go back in time five years, what would you tell yourself?"  I promised to expand my answer into a post of it's own.  Five years ago I was the final stages of my marriage falling apart, it was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone thru. This is what my Guardian Angel wished she could have whispered in my ear back then...

Dearest Josie,

I was with you tonight when he was screaming and yelling and smashing things around you because he was so angry once again, and I know you felt so lost and confused because you didn't even know what it was that had set him off this time.  It's hard for you to know what to do or not do anymore, everything seems to displease him. It is obvious that something is very wrong in his life and he is taking his anger out on you.

Deep down you know that the problem isn't you, it's something else that you can't quite put your finger on, because you don't really want to know the answer even though it's been staring you in the face for a long time now. Think about it Josie... why is his behavior so erratic? He's on edge all the time, and where is his money disappearing to? Why does he get so defensive when you ask? 

You're afraid of him when he is angry, it's getting worse instead of better.  What if he goes too far and you get hurt... or worse?  I know you think you'd be better off dead anyway, that what you have now can't even be called a life.  You're barely existing, putting on a front at work to get thru the days without them asking questions, and enduring hell on the nights and weekends when he's home... if he's home, when he gets around to coming home after the never-ending band gigs. 

There is more that you know, or at least you have your suspicions... the cellphone bill shows countless texts to numbers that don't belong to anyone you know, and there's that picture he has on the visor of his truck. What's up with that Josie? You argued with him about it, and told him exactly how you feel, but he didn't take it down did he, even though he said it was no one important. He made it clear that your feelings don't really matter to him anymore, and I know how deeply that hurts you. 

It's time Dearest Josie, long past time. You need to draw the line here girl, it's gone far enough, and it needs to stop, he's draining your life away drop by drop. It's time to start thinking up a plan, and time to let a few people that you trust know what's going on. You need some help here, as hard as that is for you to admit to anyone, you can't do this on your own. You don't have the means, or the strength anymore, he's stolen all of that away.  Your daughter saw what was going on the last time she was home, she told you then that he was controlling every move in your life. You hadn't really realized that until she stated it so bluntly.  You know she's right, and you know that it isn't supposed to be that way.  She and her husband will help you, you know they will, all you have to do is ask. It's time to swallow your pride.

I want you to promise me that you will start making arrangements, hide away the things that are precious to you where he can't find and destroy them, have an escape plan when the time comes that you need it, because very soon you will.

What I want you to know most of all, is that you are never alone, I am always near you and God is always with you. He loves you more than you could ever know, and he sees what's been going on here, he sees your tears and feels your broken heart. When the time comes, he will give you the direction and the courage to do what must be done, to flee in the middle of the night and to make a new home of your own.  There is nothing left for you with him now Josie, it's over and what is done can't be undone. We love you and we want you to choose to live again. We want to see you smile and hear you laugh, and have you find your way back to the person that you once were... and you will, I promise you that you will!

There's a special secret that I want you to know Josie, and I am going to place this secret in your heart so you'll be aware of it... though you'll soon be moving out on your own, leaving everything of that life behind, you will only be living in your new home for a very short while, maybe a year or so at most, don't bother getting too settled in. You aren't going to be alone and lonely for very long. 

I know it feels right now like your life is ending, that there is nothing left to lose anymore, and nothing good to come.  But the truth is that God has an amazing gift waiting for you just down the road! I can't tell you what it is, but I can promise you that your life from that point on  is going to be more wonderful than anything you could ever imagine... and you will be loved Josie... really loved!

Hang on tight Josie, it's going to be a bumpy ride out of hell. Take it one day and one hour at a time, just as you have learned to do.  He is making your life terribly difficult right now, but in truth he has no power over you... you have within you and around you the power to set yourself free... choose the path of freedom Josie... choose the path of life!  We are going to be here to help you pick up the pieces and rebuilt your life better and stronger than it ever was before. Wait and see Josie, wait and see!

Love always and forever,

Your Guardian Angel


  1. Even if you couldn't tell yourself all of this five years ago - at least you can say it now. Beautiful words and ideas... and once again, so touching.

    1. There's a mini-sermon in this story Bozo.... that is we have no idea what the future holds. No matter how dark and hopeless things may seem at the time, we should NEVER give up hope. Life has amazing things in store for us!

  2. When you and I met almost five years ago here in Blogland, you were hating your job and your family was driving you nuts and your ex still had a regular place in your life. Now look at where you are! You are an amazing person, Josie :o)

    1. All of that is very true, and Lordy it was a tough time in my life, I didn't know if I was coming or going, and most days I didn't even care anymore. I am not amazing, just determined to be a surivor... something we all can be if we dare to believe! It took me years and years to get to the place where I realized there is always, always another answer!

  3. So glad you sent this to me Josie, I love that you are in a better place now and can write about how it felt (still feels) to be in such a bad place, yet the positive message of how it will be better one day.... uber glad that it is better now.... wow what 5 years can do for a person....
    love you so much, beautiful write !!

    1. Your whole life can change in five years, or even one year, as you know also, JL! At more than one point in my life I thought I was going to be in a horrible place forevere, that there were no answers, no way out. Hopelessness leads to some very dark thoughts. I had a friend who always told me things would change, I didn't believe him then...but he was right! That's why I want to tell the same thing to other people... life changes... and, YOU can change your life! Thanks for stopping by JL, I've missed you in blogland!

  4. I have got a smile glued to my face. Is that wrong? I'm smiling because I'm so happy for you NOW. For all that you've accomplished since that horrible time in your life. You chose the path to happiness and peace instead of choosing self-pity - I LOVE that!! You are a true Warrior =)

    1. I smiled when I finished writing it too L, it's a sad story but it has a wonderfully happy ending... a lot of life is like that. I've wallowed in my share of self-pity and self-loathing from time to time, and anger, and resentment, and all of that. But you know, life is short and I no longer wish to waste my time or energy that way... moving up and on with life, taking it one day at a time, and focusing on the many blessings I have to be thankful for!


Your comments are always appreciated... they make me smile! :-)