Do you ever feel like you're not making the grade in any area, not really getting it right, keeping folks happy, or even yourself satisfied, no matter how hard you try? Or maybe you're just not trying hard enough, or maybe you're just too tired or defeated to try harder. All of the above apply to this week.
I find myself wondering in amazement how it is that I used to manage to be so organized, when the kids were still at home... clean house, meals on the table, work running smoothly... and still managed to find time and energy for walking and reading and craft work and such. How did I do that?? Is it just because I'm older and it all takes longer, or is it all that much harder, or what??? I'm confused, and admittedly frustrated with myself for not being able to pull it together!
Yeah, I know, I'm being hard on myself. I'm trying most days and I'm doing ok, but there is so much more I want to do, feel needs to be done. I want to do i well... not just ok. I want the feedback that I'm doing better than ok too. In some situations, the powers that be aren't the kind to say that very often. More likely it will be pointed out the one thing you didn't do instead of the ten you did. It feels defeating. That's how I feel at times, just plain defeated.
Ok, now that I'm done venting. The realities of my life at the moment are such that it does take most of my waking hours just for work and the few domestic chores I accomplish, along with helping the hubby a bit as he hobbles around on a walker while recovering from surgery. I hate the feeling that I'm letting others down a bit, not making my commitments, or if there are not, not making my personal goal of how to nurture relationships. There's not enough hours in the day, and not enough energy in me to go more hours if there was!
I do manage to make a little progress, and that always feels good. I need to work on being less like that person I mentioned, and see what has been done, rather than focusing on what hasn't. It could always be worse. (By the way, that expression generally annoys me... sure, life could always be worse - but then again, it could always be better too!)
I know at least a little of what the problem is. I am restless within myself. Change is coming, needed changes in the basic ways I live my life. I am dissatisfied with the stagnation point I've reached. Whenever I get easily agitated it's usually because I am feeling like a snake trying to wriggle it's way out of an old, too snug skin. Time to learn and grow, time to expand my thinking and my way of being. Time to stop talking about what I need to do, or should do, or want to do, and take some realistic steps toward doing it!
A birthday is always a good time for review of the past year and re-evaluation of where you're headed on your life journey. In the coming weeks I will be doing just that... taking stock of what's working and what's not in my life and what exact steps I intend to take in response to that. I'll keep you posted as the process unfolds.
For now, it's just turned midnight and the new week has officially begun. Time for some rest, then to wake up and welcome a new day. Every day is a new opportunity to embrace life. I think I'll focus on doing just that!