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Incognito

It frustrates me to no end that I am forced to keep my blog private, thus preventing fellow bloggers from easy access and the ability to follow my new posts from their readers. How I would love to put myself back out there as I once was for all the world to see! But I know I can't. I learned that lesson the hard way.

My older sister somehow managed to find my public blog, though I'm certain someone assisted/directed her since she didn't even know what blogging was and is nearly computer illiterate. She didn't know I kept a blog, but once she found out she obviously read (and has allegedly printed out) every post I wrote during the year following my departure from my ex-husband and the farm.

Blogging was my therapy back then, and those of you who were reading my posts will remember that I held little back. My whole life was pretty much out there, along with some pretty colorful information that definitely wasn't for family consumption. Although I didn't use my real name, there was obviously enough identifying information for my sister to be certain it was me.

While it might be uncomfortable to be discovered in such a manner and have all your secrets come to light, the larger problem is with my sister herself who has some serious mental illness issues and has since made me miserable with references to things she read there - threatening to share them with my father and my younger sister. My little sister knows her for who and what she is, and in the past year my father has finally seen the light as well and admits she has some "problems". He told me I didn't have to take any shit from her, those were his words. It was highly surprising since he's expended so much energy in past years trying to convince me to be nice to her.

I haven't bought into her blackmail efforts. I told her to do whatever she wanted but to leave me the hell alone. I have made countless efforts to give her another chance at acting like a sister, and each time it's come back to bite me in the butt. So I've had to declare my life off-limits to her and ignore her efforts to draw me back in to the chaos that swirls around her. My life is much more peaceful when she's not a part of it. Even family members can be toxic I have learned.

What all this goes to say is that I learned painfully from that experience. Blogs such as mine, blogs where you bare your soul and sometimes more, need to be off limits to family and coworkers. The only exception to that is my husband who I hide nothing from. Not only does he read this blog, but I maintain a private one that I write for his eyes only.

Blogging is a safety valve for me. It's the one place I can be 100% myself and not have to worry about the repercussions. If I censored my writing to make sure there was nothing that family would find offensive or coworkers would find appalling, then it would no longer serve its purpose. It also wouldn't be much fun. It's not my way to work at disguising my identity, my location, my relationships or the details of my life. I write like I talk... at top speed without censure, my thoughts just tumble out.

The thirty seven people who currently have access here were invited into my world because I have some sense of who and what they are, and I trust them. Hopefully, that trust will continue to prove itself well-placed. On my profile it notes that anyone interested in reading my blog is welcome to email me for an invitation. I have been blessed by a couple new friends who have joined my blog that way, and I hope that more will come.

I will always wish that I didn't have to write behind locked doors, and I apologize for the nuisance, but it is the only way that I can be me and share with you who I really am. Since most of you do maintain public blogs, I am curious about how that works out for you. Have you had any negative experiences from being accessible to everyone?

13 comments:

  1. I haven't yet, and you've inspired yet another blog post.

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  2. I wish I wouldn't have ever lost my blogging innocence either Frank. I so enjoyed being out there. Wish I still could be. Will be dropping by to see what twist you've taken with this idea!

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  3. I don't mind unlocking some doors to visit, because my work computer is known by you and I can just click in. I keep my blog private from family and my business partner, mostly because I need a place to just be someone other than a sister, partner, etc.

    I'm so glad to have you back blogging regularly and I'm sorry your Sister felt it was necessary to invade your privacy.

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  4. Thanks Boxer! I relate to the need for a place where one can be something other than their appointed roles. That has always been a large part of the blogging attraction for me too.

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  5. I guess I don't have that experience because I have the advantage of blogging in English in a foreign country! Even hubs can't read my blog... LOL, though he does comment on the pics from time to time.... It always seems that it is the person relatively close that does you in... forget about strangers....! But glad that hasn't kept you from blogging, even if it is private..!

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  6. That might be a definite advantage Jyankee! :-) It is kinda sad that just one person had to ruin it for me, but I guess maybe it was a good wake up call for me about being quite so public with my life.

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  7. Well I understand exactly what you mean Josie and being private takes all the fun out of it. I have always got a little thrill when someone just "finds" me and becomes a regular visitor, it's practically impossible for that to happen when you're private.


    I have had a few problems with blogging but as I no longer write posts it's no longer a worry. I have to be clear here though...I stopped blogging for my own reasons not because of anyone else.


    I rely very heavily on my Reader as I don't have a blog roll anymore but I will try and remember to come and visit you Jos. It's good to see you responding again too, it makes it feel more like your place again :)

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  8. You're right Gypsy, going private does take away the fun of making new friends from those who happen across your blog. I can always seek out some new folks thru interesting comments left on other blogs, but the truth is that the bunch of bloggers I currently read and comment on keeps me plenty busy! I really do try to respond to comments left here, when I stop doing that it's either because I'm very busy, very tired, or just feeling overwhelmed with all that is expected of me. When I'm commenting and responding, it means I'm doin' fine! :-) I really do hope you'll return to blogging at some point. I loved reading what you wrote because you came across as very real.

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  9. I do rely on my reader to keep me up to date but understand completely why you want to stay private. I have had a couple of issues with my own sister reading my blog. Sometimes I do think it's best if family don't read blogs. It can cause a lot of friction. At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you.

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  10. I use a reader too, Selma, so I understand that folks don't know when I've updated my blog. I really wish I could go public again, but to do so I would have to change my identity info and I'm not willing to do that at this point. I like being josie2shoes and I like the freedom of being able to write about whatever I want without fear of repercussions. I would definitely censor more if I knew my family or coworkers had access. It's a trade off, and I wish it didn't have to be.

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  11. You know all about my negative experiences :o) Glad to be back, and thanks for having me again. I've missed you.

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  12. btw... how rude and even scary of someone to give your sister the URL to your blog. Have you any ideas on who did it?

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  13. I am glad to see you back "Girl"! :-) Yes, you've certainly experienced the negative effects public blogging can have. I wish I did know who directed my sister to my blog. I'm wondering if possibly my niece happened across it and pointed it out to her, but guess I'll never know. It wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't so crazy.

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Your comments are always appreciated... they make me smile! :-)