The Way It Is
I headed out to the farm today to drop off food for the furkids and spend a little time with them. Rick, as usual, was jamming with his friends. The house was rocking and the air was thick with smoke. He was glad to see me; we don't spend much time together anymore. It's hard for me to go there now since it doesn't feel like home.
As I headed back into town to my own little place I realized that he's doing what he always did - making music. I've said before that music is his first love... me his wife, the band his mistress. The band came before vacations, holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. He knew I'd be there anyway, whether or not he took some time to spend with me. It doesn't matter to me anymore, I have my own life back now. He's making music, and I'm doing what I love... writing, reading, spending time on the Internet with friends and the collection of rez kids who bring me such joy. No one is yelling at me, telling me to "shut it down" when I'm on the computer, slamming doors, or scaring away the children on the phone. I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and have no one to wait on but myself. If there's a mess I made it and I'll clean it up, and if I choose to let it lay, I can. I go to bed when I want, wake up when I want, and eat what I like instead of what he likes. It's amazing how freeing that is!
I wasn't really watching as the freedom that I had back when I met him slowly eroded away, bit by bit, as he changed from mellow partner to control freak. It wasn't until the last two years that I really began to realize how under his thumb I was living, and how much I resented it. I grew to fear him and the constant underlying tension in the house. Now that I'm gone, of course he misses me. Wants me back in the worst way, even though he knows I never will return. Sure he wants me back, he lost his mother and has to take care of himself for the first time in 45 years!
Sad really, 'cuz underneath it all, I love the man, or at least the memories of the way it was when we began. I'm glad we can stay friends, it's the way I want it, even though that's sometimes hard for other friends to understand. Life is too short to hate. It's easier now to remember the good times, because after a visit to the farm I have the freedom to turn and walk away.
April 15, 2009
And just look... I DID MAKE IT! :-) Just one year after those posts were written, I was engaged to John, spending weekends with him painting our new house and preparing to move to Odessa to begin a new chapter of my life. It still seems impossible! I never would have believed my life could turn in such a positive direction. God has given me everything that I wanted, and so much more!
Now another year has passed. We have settled comfortably into the routine of married life. I live in a house that we have made into a home together and I like it very much. I have a good job that I like most days with none of the b.s. I encountered in the previous one. I live in a good city with all the amenities. We are financially able to make ends meet and still enjoy a few fun activities and indulge in the occasional visit to Red Lobster. We are owned by three very spoiled furkids. Best of all.... I am truly loved and my heart is at peace... it's a wonderful life!